Quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Lancelot: Look my liege!
Arthur: Camelot!
Galahad: Camelot!
Lancelot: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model
Arthur: Shhh!
Knights of Camelot:(song) We're Knights of the Round Table/ We dance when'er were able/We do routines and chorus
scenes with footwork impeccable/We dine well here in Camelot we eat ham and jam and spam alot/We're Knights of the Round Table/
Our shows are for-mid-able/ Though many times were given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able/We're opera mad in Camelot we
sing from the diaphragm alot!/
In war were tough and able/ quite in-de-fa-ti-gable/ Between our quest we sequin vests and impersonate Clark
Gable/It's a busy life in Camelot/(solo) I have to push the pram alot.
Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot, it is a silly place.
French Soldier:You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go boil your bottoms, sundry silly persons. I blow my
nose at you so called Arthur King and all your silly English kn-igots!
Galahad:Are you French?
French Soldier: Yes, of course I am French, why do you think I have this outrrrrrraaaaaageous
accent?
Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Soldier: Mind your own business!
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your
general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Galahad: What a strange person!
Arthur: Is there anyone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier: No ,now go away before I taunt you a second time.
French Soldier: Hello stuffy English kn-igots and Arthur King who has the brains of a duck you know! How you
English say again, I unplug my nose in your general direction, you sons of a window dresser! You think you could out clever
us French folk with all your knees bent dancing about silly behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy
lot of second hand electric donkey bottom wipers!
Peasent 1: We've found a witch, may we burn her?
Bedevire: What makes you think she is a witch?
Peasent 2: She turned me into a newt!
Bedevire: A newt?
Peasent 2 : I got better.
Crowd: Burn her anyway!
Woman: I'm not a witch, i'm not a witch!
Bedevire: But you are dressed as one!
Woman: They dressed me up like this. And this is not my nose, it's a false one!
Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there.
Dennis: I'm 37
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37, i'm not old.
Arthur: Well I can't just call you man!
Dennis: You could call me Dennis.
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis!
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you did look like...
Dennis:What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well I am king.....
Dennis: Oh king very nice, and how'd you get that, by exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society.
Arthur: I am your king
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Woman: How'd you become king then?
Arthur: The lady of the lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excaliber form the bosom
of the water, signifying by divine providence that I Arthur, was to carry Excaliber. That is why I am your king!
Arthur: (Holding the Holy hand grenade) Um, how does it work?
Lancelot: I know not my liege.
Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses 9-21
Brother Maynard's Brother: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying "O Lord, bless this thy
hand grenade, that with it though mayest bow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy" And the Lord did grin, and the people
feasted upon lambs and sloths, carp and anchovies, orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu-
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit brother
Brother Maynard's Brother: And the Lord spake saying, "First thou shalt take out the Holy pin. Then thou shalt
count to threee, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of counting shall be three.
Four shalt thou not count,neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceeds to three. Five is right out.
Once three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
Brother Maynard: Amen
All: Amen
Arthur: Right, One... Two... Five!
Galahad: Three sir.
Arthur: Three!
